´How to get a date´ an idiots guide for orcs
by Kyrillia
Summary: Oh come on, allow those poor guys a lovelife !


Disclaimer :  I do not own Lord of the Rings, Tolkien does.

How to get a date – an idiot`s guide for orcs

Just follow our easy 4 – step program, and you`ll see, success is guaranteed !

Step one :

How to improve your appearance

- show fangs as often as possible (sign of good health)

- roar and snarl 

- use stimulating eau de toilette like `skunk d`or`

- wear as many weapons as possible (shows you are mighty warrior)

- don`t bathe, it removes your natural smell of sweat and rotten meat, which is

   known to be seductive for females

- don`t change underwear

- don`t cut or wash hair. Long hair full of knots, twigs, bones and birdnests is attractive

- don`t clean armor, rust makes it look better

- wear eye-covering helmet (makes you look mysterious)

- wear plateau boots to make you look bigger

- apply warpaint (shows your sense of fashion)

Step two:

How to compliment a woman

Phrases to impress your chosen one :

- Your lips are like two fat, juicy worms !

- Your skin has the delicate texture of sandpaper !

- Your eyes are like dark, muddy ponds !

- Your lovely voice reminds me of the threatening Nazghul`s battle cry !

- You`re as graceful as a troll !

- Let your body be my battlefield !

Step three:

How to choose the right present

Suitable presents for women :

- skull, filled with selection of finest chocolate

- hunting trophy

- pot of warpaint

- coupon for free mudbath

- kitchenapron (shows that you appreciate housewifes)

- fresh meat (to give her opportunity to invite you for dinner)

- sexy fur dessous (gives you excuse for a visit later in evening)

- leather whip (Raarrr !)

Step four:

How to behave around a woman

What to say and to do at your first date:

- when entering restaurant, make sure to slam door in her face

- roar at every possible rival in reach

- challenge everyone who doesn`t  back away  immediatley

- make some compliments (look step two)

- hand over carefully chosen present and make sure she unpacks it in front of audience,

  especially if it`s sexy fur dessous or leather whip (look step three)

- take heavy blush as sign of gratefulness

- make useful suggestions what to do with present

- therefore seek opinion from other male guests

- order menue with overloud voice and theatralic gestures

- remember it`s only natural to ask, if you can expect sex after dinner

- it`s a nice gesture to ask other guests to assure her of her bodily 

  preferences (" doesn`t she have lovely fat hips ?")

- challenge everyone, who doesn`t agree immediatley

- demand that meat for food is slaughtered freshly at table

- offer waiter to do it yourself

- eat with mouth opened to show fangs (look step one)

- tablecloths are used to wipe mouth after eating

- napkins are used to clean ears and blow nose

- fart and belch to show that the food was good

- ask her, if she likes to have special dessert tonight at home (´wink, wink´)

- tell entertaining stories at table (´how I ripped that elf´s head off last week´)

- show off with your position, salary, mighty friends and previously conquests

- ask her, if she has gained weight since you saw her last time

- when dancing, squeeze her tight, to ensure that she inhales manly scent                                       

   of sweat and rotten meat (look step one)

- step on her feet

- it`s ok to pinch her in lower body parts

- it`s also ok to leer or slobber in her decollete (or both)

- try to fill her up with alcohol to loosen atmosphere

- ask again, if you can expect sex later in evening

- let her pay the bill, to show her that you appreciate independent women

- escort her home, then ask if you could come in for a slumber drink (´nudge, nudge, wink, wink´)

- following yelling, sobbing, hysterically screaming and physical violence can be seen as good sign,  

  that your relationship is going to blossom !

If you follow our prized idiot`s guide, you can be sure to expect a fullfilled,

perfect  and satisfieing lovelife !

Good luck !! 

Available soon :

´How to win a war´ - an idiot`s guide

´How to cook for friends`- an idiot`s guide


End file.
